The Misuse of Bacon (UPDATE)

*NOTE*this is an update to an older post, "the misuse of bacon"
I was doing my regular internet hop around, wasting time before i had to go waste time doing something else. I stumbled upon something most disturbing. This could not go unnoticed, someone made an article called "everything is better wrapped in bacon". These people are sick. What the hell is wrong with people, sorry it took me about 20 minutes to type this up because i excused myself to the restroom to stick my finger down my throat. Looking at all the pictures just gave me an acute diagnosis of leukemia. if there is any sanctity in this world these people will die of clogged arteries and drown in a pool of urine.
bacon wrapped tofu

bacon wrapped corn dogs

bacon wrapped turkey

bacon wrapped oysters

bacon wrapped eggs

bacon wrapped BACON(?wtf?)

bacon wrapped cinnamon rolls (omgz wtf?!)

bacon wrapped pork sausages

bacon wrapped hot dog

bacon wrapped corn

bacon wrapped hamburger

bacon wrapped squash

and ends with a super dramatic bacon wrapped twinkies

and bacon wrapped mr potato head.

the poor child who lost his mr potato head to some sick twisted son of a bitch to cover it in greasy bacon just to make a laugh or two online. your reward is in hell. and that is all i have to say.

automation in bathrooms

i'm a fan of the automatic door openers in grocery stores. i like the automatic car wash. i've even listened to head automatica. but one place i find no use for this automation is in the bathroom. automatic flushers are annoying, they flush before i finish wiping. but that we're used to, but now this? soap dispensers, towel dispensers automatic sinks? the damned towel dispenser gives you like a 6 square inch area to dry your hands off with and i'm finding myself flailing my arms in the air like airport runway personnel trying to get more to come out. this seriously makes me more frustrated than a guy dating a virgin for two years. the soap is simply retarded because no one cares about touching the soap dispenser to get soap out, because they are WASHING THERE HANDS WITH SOAP DIRECTLY AFTER PRESSING IT. was this made for completely OCD people? i'm sorry but not all of us are jack nicholson in as good as it gets. sinks are pretty bad too due to the fact that rapid hand movements under the sink can result in serious injury (trust me on this one). all of these things seem to make everything way less convenient. and isn't it supposed to be for convenience? i swear to god if they decide to throw in a motion censored ass wiper i'm never leaving my house again.

the plunger dilema

what the hell are you supposed to do with a plunger after you use it? put it outside until it dries? wash it? just set it on the floor? they're all awesome ideas, but what is the absolute proper way to do it? i've always felt awkward after using one.

good movie theater seats

sure you get totally stoked because you went to the theater early and got really great seats. but here's the trade off. the people with the shittiest seats get to leave first. think about it. if you're in a sold out theater, it may make the difference between life or death. what if there's a fire? or a tornado? or a volcano? or the movie is Hancock? there's going to be panic. it's going to be hard to get out. in other words, you are risking your life by getting good seats in a theater. you should just stay home and never leave your house. that would be safest.

personalized licence plates

okay, if you want to personalize your life, that's fine with me. but this is becoming a hazard for my driving. how am i supposed to navigate through traffic at 90 miles per hour while trying to solve the license plate code put out to the world by the asshole in front of me. it took me 10 minutes to find out that you are Russle's mom (RSLSMOM)or is it Ursulas mom? or is it RL Steins mom? okay i think i get it now i get it now. i almost died solving your riddle but i get it now. wrestlers mom. who the hell are you, who are YOU to try to get ME to decipher your code "2L8 I1" oh i get it..."too late, i won" oh you drive FAST huh? cool. show me that in code. i'll get the point and hopefully wont end up killing your grandmother. you fucking jackass.



i must say i find some comfort in solving those, but the anger and rage from an unsolvable one. what you think you're smarter than me? you think i'm stupid because i couldn't crack the code? you sir are an elitist!


(by the way Pey + 2k lbs (2000 pounds) means Peyton...Peyton Manning, how many people have to die because of stuff like this? HOW MANY?)

i should note though. that non-coded personalized license plates are legit. jesse carmody or what. his is boss. all day.

HD buffs

this picture is complete and utter BULLSHIT

i don't know what it is, but there's something about getting an HD tv that prevents people with HDtv's from shutting the hell up about them. they act like they've seen a thing or two in their day. i'm sorry but you guys are delusional. this isn't the jump that happened from black and white to color. this isn't even the jump from vhs to dvd. it's more like taking a nice HD badge on the corner and you get the right to be a complete douche bag from then on out. my friend told me the other day that he doesn't watch anything that's not on HD. you're the mind boggling spur of the moment consumer that has been putting the electronics depot of every store on the map. and for some reason everyone thinks they run the home theater center at best buy once they get one too. you can't say a single thing about an electronic device without them sputtering out 100 numbers and phrases that they know you have no idea what they're talking about.

all that being said, if anyone wants to find me a good deal on an HDtv i'll delete this post and say douche bag things like "i can't aim on halo unless it's 1080i" or "is that jack nicholson or scarlett johansson, i can't tell, this TV is SD (standard definition)" (by the way after i said SD i'd say standard definition out loud, to make myself seem superior to unknowing harkeners) seriously though, my birthdays coming up. maybe this is just jealousy.

p.s. harkeners is not a word. but man i was really hoping it would be. harken is. look it up. it means to listen without intention. i'll even provide a link

EDIT: you know what would be crazy? plugging a VHS player into an HDtv. would that be dvd quality? would the world implode?

teen dance movies

okay i get it. you kids love dancing. you love dancing with the stars. you love dirty dancing. you love dry humping in clubs. but their movies are getting out of hand. bring it on (1,2 and 3), save the last dance, stomp the yard, step up, step up 2: the streets, shall we dance, you got served. i'm tired of this.

i'm not even fed up with the movie studios, they're in the business of making money. i just can't believe you kids are forking up the dough to go see these movies. step up 1 and 2 brought in about 130 million to the studios with a budget of probably 10 million together. what kind of sick twisted crap is this? enough already, you MTV kids need to find something to do. play with a jump rope, or better yet a noose. go outside and play with a noose. let me know how it goes.

bad batches of string cheese

don't get me wrong, i'm a huge fan of string cheese. too huge in fact. or is it too big. i'm too big of a huge fan of string cheese. i'm a big huge of a major fan of string cheese. but string cheese, i have a gripe with you. why must you do me so wrong?

let me explain. every string cheese entrepreneur knows that there are two different kinds of string cheese. the good batch and the bad batch. one batch you get will be delicious, stringy, tasty and firm. then you get the bad batch, it doesn't string, it tastes like a brick of mozzarella, it WILL not string no matter how hard you try, and its soft and tangy.

once again, why must you do me so wrong? the only way you can get a reasonable price on string cheese is with the purchase of a 30 pack. that's the only price where i feel like i get enough cheese for my buck. but what an investment for the 50/50 chance that it's going to taste terrible like un-homogenized goats milk with lemon juice.

this doesn't differ by brand, every brand is guilty of this. what is with this natural phenomena? this is a call to all string cheese scientists out there GET TO WORK! equality in the cheese world!!!!!

all of the above

is it me, or is almost every time "all of the above" is on a test it seems to be "all of the above" it's like professors don't think to throw in "all of the above" on ones where it's not the answers. more than maybe once or twice. and it's not just "all of the above" it's also ones like "both a and c" THAT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE ANSWER. YOU GOT A FREE PASS. come to think of it, the only thing i'm not a big fan of in this situation is that they do throw it in once in a blue moon, and me thinking i have this fool proof strategy, i get it wrong. they're so smart, that's why they're professors.

dishwasher/laundry machine dials

why why why. please explain why if you happen to go past the point you want, you can't just click it back, you have to spin it an entire rotation around. by this point you're so frustrated that you spin it faster than before, and you probably miss again. so it's a silly game of spin the dial, like some sick carnival game where if you win, you get clean clothes. who has time for the dials and WHY CANT THEY SPIN THE OTHER WAY????

vegas style solitaire

you know the "vegas style" option on solitaire? well it's bullshit. the game is impossible to come up once you start losing. it's one of those facts of life that your mom should have taught you long ago.

Number Two Pencils

if it was the most commonly used, why isn't it a number one pencil?

YouTube

first of all, the damned site got too popular for it's own good. now every video they put up they got sued for. i remember when i used to be able to look up saturday night live clips or family guy, now that's a thing of the past. only thing you can use it for now is video responses. so lame. and you know what REALLY bugs me. the damn status bar. for some reason it splits every video up into like 10 second clips. if you want to rewind 3 seconds, it skips you back 10. really noob if you ask me. sometimes 10 seconds is just too much. know what i'm saying? you feel me? for sure.

two door cars

i just cannot stand getting into the back seat of a two door car. i mean come on there's so much climbing involved. it's like i need my rock climbing gear to get in. so much squeezing and turning and sitting down uncomfortably, not to mention the fear of getting into a car accident. with the seatbelt and walls around you, you can be certain that you're caged in a tomb. it was one thing when i was a kid, because i could actually fit through comfortably. and honestly, it's for the most part not about being in the back, it's not some manhood complex about having shotgun (although who doesn't prefer the front seat, especially if you had a sibling, you're just used to arguing over it for no reason), it's about getting in and out. that squeeze between the seat and the car, the uncomfortable twist around. when ever a friend offers to drive with a two door i immediately offer to drive, for fear of being trapped inside the back of a car for a drive like a can of sardines. i'll be honest, i'd almost rather walk. if you value my life you will not drive a two door car. if you care...

space in a receipt for a tip

i went into baja fresh today to get lunch with some co workers, i bought my food with a credit card and prepare to sign the credit card slip. to my dismay, there is a space to write in a tip. baja fresh wants me to tip this lady for entering my order in a computer from the front register. keep in mind baja fresh is not a sit down restaurant, like mcdonalds, you go to a register, order your food, take it, sit down and eat it. why do i have to feel guilt about writing a zero in the tip field. i've seen this many times where restaurants leave spaces for tip when there is no serving involved. tips should be given to waiters not people who type in your order and say it into the microphone. so i hence forth am not a big fan of spaces for a tip when there shouldn't be.

society shunning nose picking

what the fuck man why can't i pick my nose? why do i have to hide it? whats wrong with it. it's not like i eat it, i pick it and wipe it on a napkin and thats the end of it. i can't fucking stand boogers in my nose, i can just feel them rubbing and piercing my inner nostril. why should i be uncomfortable because SOCIETY says so. LET PEOPLE PICK THEIR NOSE WITH OUT FEAR OF PERSECUTION FOR THE SANCTITY OF CLEANING OUT OF ONE'S NOSE!

sheets that slip off the mattress

you ever been sleeping on a bed, and the sheet decides to slip off while you're asleep and part of your body is touching just straight mattress. there is no equal feeling in the world. it just feels horrible. and to make it worse you know that you have to wake up and get out of bed if you're going to want to fix it, rendering you wide awake. or how about when you have a pillow thats too big for the pillowcase and likes to slowly slip out of the case over the course of a few days.

cell phone programmers and designers

i just don't get it, they will never be able to make the perfect phone. they make one phone, bunch of nice features, then make a newer version, but for no reason in god's given earth just take off a perfectly good feature for no reason. for example, i've had 3 different LG phones where you can't see the time when you're in a call. oh i'm sure people would NEVER need the TIME when they're in a call right? well i'm sure they didn't think about that when they made 12 different models and didn't fix the problem. (although i'm sure they've fixed the problem by now it still took them 4 yrs)

it seems like everytime you get a new cell phone theirs something you're giving up or sacrificing for the sake a new better phone? shouldn't there be no DOWNSIDE to getting a NEW PHONE? do i have to give up my speakerphone or my voicedials or get a new memory card slot or be able to check my text messages with my phone closed. (best feature ever and i'm going to have to give it up soon) stupid bone headed people need to test the phones out realistically and have people use them for weeks before they're put on the markets and have people actually give FEEDBACK and also LISTEN TO THE FUCKING FEEDBACK!

the nintendo wii

why is everyone and their mom so fucking crazy about this system? i just don't get it. maybe i've been spoiled with my xbox 360 with responsive controls, good game library and next generation graphics. the motion sensor doesnt work like i thought it would. it doesnt go where you point on the screen it goes where you point at the sensor in relation to the screen. thats has been extremely frustrating for me. i admit i was super excited about the wii until i finally played one, and i wanted to throw the fuck up. and piss all over my friend's wii. i am now laughing at most of my wii owning friends who havent used the thing almost all year (with now the new super mario game finally getting some use out of it). waste of money waste of time, gamecube graphics, frustrating controls, bullshit games. (with the exception of like 2) good for girls and old ladies, not for me. PLUS no online multiplayer. PLUS PLUS i have to worry about breaking my fucking limbs trying to play some stupid fucking tennis fuck game where i fucking have to fucking flick my fucking wrist and fucking piece of shit fuck SHIT FUCK HIT THE FUCKING BALL YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT AAJBDKNALPRHIUAEWQYVFOCHQWBOP I FUCKING HATE THE WII!

the misuse of bacon

don't get me wrong i love a nice crisp piece of bacon with my eggs for a breakfast feast, but people have gotten out of hand with bacon. bacon should be kept under control. it's a slippery slope with all this bacon everywhere, bacon burgers, bacon quesadillas, bacon salads, bacon burritos, bacon bagels, bacon pastas, kevin bacon. what happened to bacon with just bacon? in my opinion it's the only time it works. pretty soon people will be putting bacon in everything, the world is being over run with bacon and it needs to stop. i hate bacon on a burger or sandwich and i hate you if you do like it you sick person.



p.s. kevin bacon's the man!

pop ups 2.0

we all complained about pop ups for years, then one day pop up blockers became more and more common. most did little to quell the massive onslaught of pop ups. advertisers were getting smarter than pop up blockers and always seemed a step ahead. then everyone got firefox and we forgot what a pop up was in the first place. overnight we never had to see a pop up again. this made advertising agencies frustrated, with virtually no way to get around firefox's pop up blocker, they saw their campaigns come to a slow end. people started pulling out. it looked like then end of this annoyance once and for all. and then web 2.0 came into play. now instead of a pop up opening in a new window, it opens directly on your page. theres nothing i hate more than a pop up jumping over a news story i'm reading with no clear x to close it. (they hide those x's very very sneaky, usually an inch or two away from the actual ad) sometimes they even follow you as you scroll. these pop ups are even more of annoyance. the only relief is that they don't seem to be so frequent, but they seem to be getting more and more deceptive and sneaky every day. some of them even play music, or movie trailers, or some laggy animated junk. and once again, pop up companies are rich rich rich. most likely richer than ever. not much humor, just another annoyance.

p.s. you ever think about people that send out spam and make pop up ads, you think that they like getting spam or pop ups themselves? maybe they read every bit of spam they recieve. imagine a spammer saying "fuck man i got another annoying SPAM email" or "these fucking pop ups keep blocking my porn, i'm watching jenna jameson and jigsaw from saw pops right on over her face...and i went limp"

people who stand on escalators

escalators are very convenient, but they aren't elevators, they still have steps. i understand if you've been shopping and have hands full of stuff, but the people that just stand on it and block the whole stairway make me very angry. they're just being lazy, if you walk while you 'escalate' you will reach the top in double the time. quit being lazy and use steps for what they were made for, stepping. and please don't let your child sit on the escalator. thank you.

pringles container

okay, so the damned thing is too small to stick my hand in, once i eat half of the chips, so instead i have to turn it over and try and let them slide out. this doesnt ever work out as hoped though, as all the bottom crumbs spill all over your hand and often times on your recently vacuumed carpet. i think a possible solution would be a push pop style bottom that you can use to lift the bottom of the can up toward the top of the can. SUCCESS!!!

unthankful drivers

i cannot stand it when i do something nice for someone (i.e. leaving space for them to pull out of a parking lot at a red light) and they don't give me thanks. there are two ways you can give thanks in a situation like this. the first way is the nod. the not is the most efficient way to thank someone on the road, then of course theres the traditional wave. i like to incorporate both techniques in my thank yous. nod while waving. this will in turn encourage the person to do the good deed again next time. i will give people the wave nod even when they haven't does anything spectacular, to brighten their day and make the world a better place. when someone doesn't give me a nod i will think about it for fifteen minutes. how could someone be so unappreciative? if you don't nod to me you may as well flip me off because it makes me want to hunt you down and slash your tires and smash your hood with a sledge hammer. (sledge hammers by the way never seem to be around, especially when you need one, rare as those situations may be) next time guys, don't forget to say thank you. thank you.

p.s. i also hate the people that have their blinker on, so you give them space to get in front of you, but they don't go. of course once you grow tired of waiting you speed up to pass them but that always seems like the time they decide to get into the other lane and break check you.

owen wilson and his nose

are you kidding me? this guy is famous? did you see his nose?

i've seen some random people get famous before, but this is the worst. i remember seeing him as the "first person to get killed off" on movies like anaconda and armageddon. back then he was more like me; a nobody. except we had one major difference, my nose looks more like a human nose, while his looks like an elephant, with a horribly advanced stage of elephantitis. seriously what the fuck how can people see past that thing. it looks like it gets beaten with a louisville slugger on a daily basis. and is it just me, or is it getting worse? i think its actually growing. but maybe it's just become more prominent in my mind as time goes by. my loathing for him has become an obsession, if i ever hear about anyone that says they like him i make it my personal goal to sway their opinion. maybe he lost his nose and they replaced it with a rotten peach, who knows. but my beef with him stretches well beyond his nose, and if you look past it (as hard as it may be to) he's still a piece of shit. he's not funny, hes only surrounded by funny people, he's annoying as shit, he constantly does this stupid thing all the time where he puffs out his lips so women will think he's hot. you know what i'm talking about...



come on owen, do you think people think that's your natural stature? you're so blatantly obvious! i will solemnly swear to stop pirating movies and music forever if owen wilson is exiled to another country and not allowed to star in any movies again. he ruined every movie he's ever been in for me, scratch that, he's ruined every movie for me in general, for fear that he may have a cameo in the movie that i was unaware of. i've had nightmares about him. i can't pay attention at work because i can't stop thinking about his nose. it's coming to the point where i can't accomplish every day tasks because i can't do anything but think about how much i hate owen wilson. he plays the same stupid role in every film he's ever been in. i'm not sure if he's even aware of the term "range". it's time for his reign to come to an end. join the resistance.

popsicle sticks being used as coffee stirrers

i can't imagine why these popsicle sticks weren't used for their original purpose. who decides which one get used for delicious frozen goodness while the others are doomed to the steaming hot inferno that must be the nightmare for all popsicle sticks. what makes these coffee popsicle sticks not worthy of being in a dessert wonderland delight? and why aren't coffee stirrers used as popsicle sticks? think of the dastardly popsicle stick monopolies that just couldn't make enough profit off of just popsicles. did they do massive field marketing research to realize that they could expand their core demographic by expanding as a cheap stirrer of coffee? and whats the deal with airline food?

people wearing headphones

i don't mind you wearing headphones and listening to music by yourself, but when people around you have to tell you constantly to take them off for a second, can't people take a hint? or perhaps just get an ear bud and leave it in one ear? this cant get especially annoying IN THE WORK PLACE. i'm not going to name any names, but DARIN WILLIAMS IS GUILTY OF THIS!



thats right, my co worker uses NOISE CANCELLATION HEADPHONES. he constantly misses out on conversation, i think i even had a 5 minute conversation with him to find out he didnt even know i was talking. please send an email to rengfx@gmail.com and ask him nicely to get a pair of simple ear buds and keep them in only one ear. and call him a piece of shit.

elementary grammatical errors

seriously how could someone say to instead of too or there instead of they're, i know i make mistakes (some purposly, for example i never use capitals EVER) from time to time but these should be drilled in your head by now. you douche bags.

squeeze bottles for relish

many many years ago, someone made a ton of money patenting a squeeze bottle for condiments. this made things easier as you do not have to get a spoon out to fish out some ketchup or mustard. as long as i've been alive this has been the way i've dispensed these condiments. in the past few years these squeeze bottles have been reinvented for other things, easy spreading of jelly on your sandwich and now mayonnaise too! this has changed the way we all eat sandwiches and hot dogs and has greatly improved everyones quality of life. but recently i bought a squeeze bottle of pickle relish, thinking of how it too can better my life, thus making me a better person. To my horror is discovered that pickle relish in a squeeze bottle is a step backwards for man kind. any condiment that you have to develop a "style" to squeeze out is not okay in my book. the problem is this; there are two main ingredients in pickle relish, one being pickles, and one being the juice. (vinegar i'd presume) now when you squeeze the bottle, by laws of physics, it is much easier for the juice to come out than the chopped up pickles. this results in a catastrophe of monumental proportions. many a hot dog did i ruin by soaking it in pickle juice, with barely any pickle to enjoy. write a letter to your local congress man or woman TODAY and stop this nazi-esque tool from ever being made again!

corn nuts

arguably the loudest food ever, you can make an easy $20 by betting anyone they can't eat corn nuts quietly. i remember in high school getting undeniably distracted by corn nut eaters, chomping down dehydrated fossilized pieces of corn with artificial flavor on them. not to mention the smell is so strong and you can't hide from it. these are the reasons i nominate corn nuts as the most annoying food ever.

i don't know how this looks appealing to people

dents in a water bottle

several things irritate me about a water bottle but none more that when you get a dent in the side of it. maybe it's just me but i can't help but try to unkink it, which usually ends in disaster as it ends up denting it more. this can be especially irritating for people around me in social situations (i like to avoid social situations for reasons such as these) because the non-stop plastic kink sounds. this causes people to say stuff like "stop doing that" and "thats irritating!" there are actually people out there that get EXTREMELY irritated really quick by the sound of plastic popping in and out of a water bottle. but what about me? i'm as equally irritated by my dilapidated water bottle. another thing that irritates me about water bottles is if you hold onto it long enough the wrapper always falls off (and we know beverages don't taste as good once the wrapper falls off for some reason) and leaves that sticky glue that is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get off. can a water bottle be more irritating?

clocking in and out at work

what happened to trusting people?

security questions

when did this become the norm for "security questions" from everything from your email to your porn account to your netflix? i went on my damned online banking today, logging into my newly reformatted work computer, and it asks me "what is your favorite hobby" and you can bet your ass i missed that 3 times in a row (depends on how i was feeling the day i signed up, sleeping, chilling, and pimpin weren't it though). now thankfully instead of completely locking out my bank account and freezing my assets it simply decides to ask me another common internet security question. "whats your mothers maiden name?" are you serious? what if my mom is trying to hack my account? isn't this is the 21st century? security questions are supposed to be something only you know, not your entire fucking family. might as well make it multiple choice, or even go with something equally private like "whats is your pets name?" "what is your middle name?" "what is your your girlfriends name?" "what is your name?" "what is 2+2?" internet security is in the need of a little reboot, anyone for fingerprint/retina scans?

and one more thing, what about the security checks to stop spam robots from making accounts with everything? i know computers aren't supposed to read them, but they should at least be able to be read by humans, i cant remember the last time i typed one of those and didn't get it wrong at least the first two times.

people who use crushed ice

lets face it, crushed ice just melts faster...if you want to dilute your beverage, why not just poor cold water in it? this is understandable under two circumstances, one if your beverage IS water, two is if you're an ice chomper. i'll never understand how people can just chow down ice like it breakfast cereal, but maybe i'm just jealous as my teeth tend to be sensitive to cold? and why do you crushed ice users HAVE to change the fridge to crushed ice and leave it there? so us normal people select ice as normal, unbeknown to us that a mutant ice chomper has foiled our plans to keep our drink cool while not diluting it at an alarming rate, so we get all this crushed ice in our cup. naturally this gets poured out, but why go through the hassle? you're the fucking crushed ice user...YOU SHOULD CHANGE THE SETTING BACK!!