two door cars

i just cannot stand getting into the back seat of a two door car. i mean come on there's so much climbing involved. it's like i need my rock climbing gear to get in. so much squeezing and turning and sitting down uncomfortably, not to mention the fear of getting into a car accident. with the seatbelt and walls around you, you can be certain that you're caged in a tomb. it was one thing when i was a kid, because i could actually fit through comfortably. and honestly, it's for the most part not about being in the back, it's not some manhood complex about having shotgun (although who doesn't prefer the front seat, especially if you had a sibling, you're just used to arguing over it for no reason), it's about getting in and out. that squeeze between the seat and the car, the uncomfortable twist around. when ever a friend offers to drive with a two door i immediately offer to drive, for fear of being trapped inside the back of a car for a drive like a can of sardines. i'll be honest, i'd almost rather walk. if you value my life you will not drive a two door car. if you care...

space in a receipt for a tip

i went into baja fresh today to get lunch with some co workers, i bought my food with a credit card and prepare to sign the credit card slip. to my dismay, there is a space to write in a tip. baja fresh wants me to tip this lady for entering my order in a computer from the front register. keep in mind baja fresh is not a sit down restaurant, like mcdonalds, you go to a register, order your food, take it, sit down and eat it. why do i have to feel guilt about writing a zero in the tip field. i've seen this many times where restaurants leave spaces for tip when there is no serving involved. tips should be given to waiters not people who type in your order and say it into the microphone. so i hence forth am not a big fan of spaces for a tip when there shouldn't be.

society shunning nose picking

what the fuck man why can't i pick my nose? why do i have to hide it? whats wrong with it. it's not like i eat it, i pick it and wipe it on a napkin and thats the end of it. i can't fucking stand boogers in my nose, i can just feel them rubbing and piercing my inner nostril. why should i be uncomfortable because SOCIETY says so. LET PEOPLE PICK THEIR NOSE WITH OUT FEAR OF PERSECUTION FOR THE SANCTITY OF CLEANING OUT OF ONE'S NOSE!

sheets that slip off the mattress

you ever been sleeping on a bed, and the sheet decides to slip off while you're asleep and part of your body is touching just straight mattress. there is no equal feeling in the world. it just feels horrible. and to make it worse you know that you have to wake up and get out of bed if you're going to want to fix it, rendering you wide awake. or how about when you have a pillow thats too big for the pillowcase and likes to slowly slip out of the case over the course of a few days.

cell phone programmers and designers

i just don't get it, they will never be able to make the perfect phone. they make one phone, bunch of nice features, then make a newer version, but for no reason in god's given earth just take off a perfectly good feature for no reason. for example, i've had 3 different LG phones where you can't see the time when you're in a call. oh i'm sure people would NEVER need the TIME when they're in a call right? well i'm sure they didn't think about that when they made 12 different models and didn't fix the problem. (although i'm sure they've fixed the problem by now it still took them 4 yrs)

it seems like everytime you get a new cell phone theirs something you're giving up or sacrificing for the sake a new better phone? shouldn't there be no DOWNSIDE to getting a NEW PHONE? do i have to give up my speakerphone or my voicedials or get a new memory card slot or be able to check my text messages with my phone closed. (best feature ever and i'm going to have to give it up soon) stupid bone headed people need to test the phones out realistically and have people use them for weeks before they're put on the markets and have people actually give FEEDBACK and also LISTEN TO THE FUCKING FEEDBACK!

the nintendo wii

why is everyone and their mom so fucking crazy about this system? i just don't get it. maybe i've been spoiled with my xbox 360 with responsive controls, good game library and next generation graphics. the motion sensor doesnt work like i thought it would. it doesnt go where you point on the screen it goes where you point at the sensor in relation to the screen. thats has been extremely frustrating for me. i admit i was super excited about the wii until i finally played one, and i wanted to throw the fuck up. and piss all over my friend's wii. i am now laughing at most of my wii owning friends who havent used the thing almost all year (with now the new super mario game finally getting some use out of it). waste of money waste of time, gamecube graphics, frustrating controls, bullshit games. (with the exception of like 2) good for girls and old ladies, not for me. PLUS no online multiplayer. PLUS PLUS i have to worry about breaking my fucking limbs trying to play some stupid fucking tennis fuck game where i fucking have to fucking flick my fucking wrist and fucking piece of shit fuck SHIT FUCK HIT THE FUCKING BALL YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT AAJBDKNALPRHIUAEWQYVFOCHQWBOP I FUCKING HATE THE WII!

the misuse of bacon

don't get me wrong i love a nice crisp piece of bacon with my eggs for a breakfast feast, but people have gotten out of hand with bacon. bacon should be kept under control. it's a slippery slope with all this bacon everywhere, bacon burgers, bacon quesadillas, bacon salads, bacon burritos, bacon bagels, bacon pastas, kevin bacon. what happened to bacon with just bacon? in my opinion it's the only time it works. pretty soon people will be putting bacon in everything, the world is being over run with bacon and it needs to stop. i hate bacon on a burger or sandwich and i hate you if you do like it you sick person.



p.s. kevin bacon's the man!

pop ups 2.0

we all complained about pop ups for years, then one day pop up blockers became more and more common. most did little to quell the massive onslaught of pop ups. advertisers were getting smarter than pop up blockers and always seemed a step ahead. then everyone got firefox and we forgot what a pop up was in the first place. overnight we never had to see a pop up again. this made advertising agencies frustrated, with virtually no way to get around firefox's pop up blocker, they saw their campaigns come to a slow end. people started pulling out. it looked like then end of this annoyance once and for all. and then web 2.0 came into play. now instead of a pop up opening in a new window, it opens directly on your page. theres nothing i hate more than a pop up jumping over a news story i'm reading with no clear x to close it. (they hide those x's very very sneaky, usually an inch or two away from the actual ad) sometimes they even follow you as you scroll. these pop ups are even more of annoyance. the only relief is that they don't seem to be so frequent, but they seem to be getting more and more deceptive and sneaky every day. some of them even play music, or movie trailers, or some laggy animated junk. and once again, pop up companies are rich rich rich. most likely richer than ever. not much humor, just another annoyance.

p.s. you ever think about people that send out spam and make pop up ads, you think that they like getting spam or pop ups themselves? maybe they read every bit of spam they recieve. imagine a spammer saying "fuck man i got another annoying SPAM email" or "these fucking pop ups keep blocking my porn, i'm watching jenna jameson and jigsaw from saw pops right on over her face...and i went limp"

people who stand on escalators

escalators are very convenient, but they aren't elevators, they still have steps. i understand if you've been shopping and have hands full of stuff, but the people that just stand on it and block the whole stairway make me very angry. they're just being lazy, if you walk while you 'escalate' you will reach the top in double the time. quit being lazy and use steps for what they were made for, stepping. and please don't let your child sit on the escalator. thank you.

pringles container

okay, so the damned thing is too small to stick my hand in, once i eat half of the chips, so instead i have to turn it over and try and let them slide out. this doesnt ever work out as hoped though, as all the bottom crumbs spill all over your hand and often times on your recently vacuumed carpet. i think a possible solution would be a push pop style bottom that you can use to lift the bottom of the can up toward the top of the can. SUCCESS!!!

unthankful drivers

i cannot stand it when i do something nice for someone (i.e. leaving space for them to pull out of a parking lot at a red light) and they don't give me thanks. there are two ways you can give thanks in a situation like this. the first way is the nod. the not is the most efficient way to thank someone on the road, then of course theres the traditional wave. i like to incorporate both techniques in my thank yous. nod while waving. this will in turn encourage the person to do the good deed again next time. i will give people the wave nod even when they haven't does anything spectacular, to brighten their day and make the world a better place. when someone doesn't give me a nod i will think about it for fifteen minutes. how could someone be so unappreciative? if you don't nod to me you may as well flip me off because it makes me want to hunt you down and slash your tires and smash your hood with a sledge hammer. (sledge hammers by the way never seem to be around, especially when you need one, rare as those situations may be) next time guys, don't forget to say thank you. thank you.

p.s. i also hate the people that have their blinker on, so you give them space to get in front of you, but they don't go. of course once you grow tired of waiting you speed up to pass them but that always seems like the time they decide to get into the other lane and break check you.

owen wilson and his nose

are you kidding me? this guy is famous? did you see his nose?

i've seen some random people get famous before, but this is the worst. i remember seeing him as the "first person to get killed off" on movies like anaconda and armageddon. back then he was more like me; a nobody. except we had one major difference, my nose looks more like a human nose, while his looks like an elephant, with a horribly advanced stage of elephantitis. seriously what the fuck how can people see past that thing. it looks like it gets beaten with a louisville slugger on a daily basis. and is it just me, or is it getting worse? i think its actually growing. but maybe it's just become more prominent in my mind as time goes by. my loathing for him has become an obsession, if i ever hear about anyone that says they like him i make it my personal goal to sway their opinion. maybe he lost his nose and they replaced it with a rotten peach, who knows. but my beef with him stretches well beyond his nose, and if you look past it (as hard as it may be to) he's still a piece of shit. he's not funny, hes only surrounded by funny people, he's annoying as shit, he constantly does this stupid thing all the time where he puffs out his lips so women will think he's hot. you know what i'm talking about...



come on owen, do you think people think that's your natural stature? you're so blatantly obvious! i will solemnly swear to stop pirating movies and music forever if owen wilson is exiled to another country and not allowed to star in any movies again. he ruined every movie he's ever been in for me, scratch that, he's ruined every movie for me in general, for fear that he may have a cameo in the movie that i was unaware of. i've had nightmares about him. i can't pay attention at work because i can't stop thinking about his nose. it's coming to the point where i can't accomplish every day tasks because i can't do anything but think about how much i hate owen wilson. he plays the same stupid role in every film he's ever been in. i'm not sure if he's even aware of the term "range". it's time for his reign to come to an end. join the resistance.

popsicle sticks being used as coffee stirrers

i can't imagine why these popsicle sticks weren't used for their original purpose. who decides which one get used for delicious frozen goodness while the others are doomed to the steaming hot inferno that must be the nightmare for all popsicle sticks. what makes these coffee popsicle sticks not worthy of being in a dessert wonderland delight? and why aren't coffee stirrers used as popsicle sticks? think of the dastardly popsicle stick monopolies that just couldn't make enough profit off of just popsicles. did they do massive field marketing research to realize that they could expand their core demographic by expanding as a cheap stirrer of coffee? and whats the deal with airline food?

people wearing headphones

i don't mind you wearing headphones and listening to music by yourself, but when people around you have to tell you constantly to take them off for a second, can't people take a hint? or perhaps just get an ear bud and leave it in one ear? this cant get especially annoying IN THE WORK PLACE. i'm not going to name any names, but DARIN WILLIAMS IS GUILTY OF THIS!



thats right, my co worker uses NOISE CANCELLATION HEADPHONES. he constantly misses out on conversation, i think i even had a 5 minute conversation with him to find out he didnt even know i was talking. please send an email to rengfx@gmail.com and ask him nicely to get a pair of simple ear buds and keep them in only one ear. and call him a piece of shit.

elementary grammatical errors

seriously how could someone say to instead of too or there instead of they're, i know i make mistakes (some purposly, for example i never use capitals EVER) from time to time but these should be drilled in your head by now. you douche bags.

squeeze bottles for relish

many many years ago, someone made a ton of money patenting a squeeze bottle for condiments. this made things easier as you do not have to get a spoon out to fish out some ketchup or mustard. as long as i've been alive this has been the way i've dispensed these condiments. in the past few years these squeeze bottles have been reinvented for other things, easy spreading of jelly on your sandwich and now mayonnaise too! this has changed the way we all eat sandwiches and hot dogs and has greatly improved everyones quality of life. but recently i bought a squeeze bottle of pickle relish, thinking of how it too can better my life, thus making me a better person. To my horror is discovered that pickle relish in a squeeze bottle is a step backwards for man kind. any condiment that you have to develop a "style" to squeeze out is not okay in my book. the problem is this; there are two main ingredients in pickle relish, one being pickles, and one being the juice. (vinegar i'd presume) now when you squeeze the bottle, by laws of physics, it is much easier for the juice to come out than the chopped up pickles. this results in a catastrophe of monumental proportions. many a hot dog did i ruin by soaking it in pickle juice, with barely any pickle to enjoy. write a letter to your local congress man or woman TODAY and stop this nazi-esque tool from ever being made again!

corn nuts

arguably the loudest food ever, you can make an easy $20 by betting anyone they can't eat corn nuts quietly. i remember in high school getting undeniably distracted by corn nut eaters, chomping down dehydrated fossilized pieces of corn with artificial flavor on them. not to mention the smell is so strong and you can't hide from it. these are the reasons i nominate corn nuts as the most annoying food ever.

i don't know how this looks appealing to people

dents in a water bottle

several things irritate me about a water bottle but none more that when you get a dent in the side of it. maybe it's just me but i can't help but try to unkink it, which usually ends in disaster as it ends up denting it more. this can be especially irritating for people around me in social situations (i like to avoid social situations for reasons such as these) because the non-stop plastic kink sounds. this causes people to say stuff like "stop doing that" and "thats irritating!" there are actually people out there that get EXTREMELY irritated really quick by the sound of plastic popping in and out of a water bottle. but what about me? i'm as equally irritated by my dilapidated water bottle. another thing that irritates me about water bottles is if you hold onto it long enough the wrapper always falls off (and we know beverages don't taste as good once the wrapper falls off for some reason) and leaves that sticky glue that is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get off. can a water bottle be more irritating?

clocking in and out at work

what happened to trusting people?

security questions

when did this become the norm for "security questions" from everything from your email to your porn account to your netflix? i went on my damned online banking today, logging into my newly reformatted work computer, and it asks me "what is your favorite hobby" and you can bet your ass i missed that 3 times in a row (depends on how i was feeling the day i signed up, sleeping, chilling, and pimpin weren't it though). now thankfully instead of completely locking out my bank account and freezing my assets it simply decides to ask me another common internet security question. "whats your mothers maiden name?" are you serious? what if my mom is trying to hack my account? isn't this is the 21st century? security questions are supposed to be something only you know, not your entire fucking family. might as well make it multiple choice, or even go with something equally private like "whats is your pets name?" "what is your middle name?" "what is your your girlfriends name?" "what is your name?" "what is 2+2?" internet security is in the need of a little reboot, anyone for fingerprint/retina scans?

and one more thing, what about the security checks to stop spam robots from making accounts with everything? i know computers aren't supposed to read them, but they should at least be able to be read by humans, i cant remember the last time i typed one of those and didn't get it wrong at least the first two times.

people who use crushed ice

lets face it, crushed ice just melts faster...if you want to dilute your beverage, why not just poor cold water in it? this is understandable under two circumstances, one if your beverage IS water, two is if you're an ice chomper. i'll never understand how people can just chow down ice like it breakfast cereal, but maybe i'm just jealous as my teeth tend to be sensitive to cold? and why do you crushed ice users HAVE to change the fridge to crushed ice and leave it there? so us normal people select ice as normal, unbeknown to us that a mutant ice chomper has foiled our plans to keep our drink cool while not diluting it at an alarming rate, so we get all this crushed ice in our cup. naturally this gets poured out, but why go through the hassle? you're the fucking crushed ice user...YOU SHOULD CHANGE THE SETTING BACK!!