The Misuse of Bacon (UPDATE)

*NOTE*this is an update to an older post, "the misuse of bacon"
I was doing my regular internet hop around, wasting time before i had to go waste time doing something else. I stumbled upon something most disturbing. This could not go unnoticed, someone made an article called "everything is better wrapped in bacon". These people are sick. What the hell is wrong with people, sorry it took me about 20 minutes to type this up because i excused myself to the restroom to stick my finger down my throat. Looking at all the pictures just gave me an acute diagnosis of leukemia. if there is any sanctity in this world these people will die of clogged arteries and drown in a pool of urine.
bacon wrapped tofu

bacon wrapped corn dogs

bacon wrapped turkey

bacon wrapped oysters

bacon wrapped eggs

bacon wrapped BACON(?wtf?)

bacon wrapped cinnamon rolls (omgz wtf?!)

bacon wrapped pork sausages

bacon wrapped hot dog

bacon wrapped corn

bacon wrapped hamburger

bacon wrapped squash

and ends with a super dramatic bacon wrapped twinkies

and bacon wrapped mr potato head.

the poor child who lost his mr potato head to some sick twisted son of a bitch to cover it in greasy bacon just to make a laugh or two online. your reward is in hell. and that is all i have to say.

automation in bathrooms

i'm a fan of the automatic door openers in grocery stores. i like the automatic car wash. i've even listened to head automatica. but one place i find no use for this automation is in the bathroom. automatic flushers are annoying, they flush before i finish wiping. but that we're used to, but now this? soap dispensers, towel dispensers automatic sinks? the damned towel dispenser gives you like a 6 square inch area to dry your hands off with and i'm finding myself flailing my arms in the air like airport runway personnel trying to get more to come out. this seriously makes me more frustrated than a guy dating a virgin for two years. the soap is simply retarded because no one cares about touching the soap dispenser to get soap out, because they are WASHING THERE HANDS WITH SOAP DIRECTLY AFTER PRESSING IT. was this made for completely OCD people? i'm sorry but not all of us are jack nicholson in as good as it gets. sinks are pretty bad too due to the fact that rapid hand movements under the sink can result in serious injury (trust me on this one). all of these things seem to make everything way less convenient. and isn't it supposed to be for convenience? i swear to god if they decide to throw in a motion censored ass wiper i'm never leaving my house again.

the plunger dilema

what the hell are you supposed to do with a plunger after you use it? put it outside until it dries? wash it? just set it on the floor? they're all awesome ideas, but what is the absolute proper way to do it? i've always felt awkward after using one.

good movie theater seats

sure you get totally stoked because you went to the theater early and got really great seats. but here's the trade off. the people with the shittiest seats get to leave first. think about it. if you're in a sold out theater, it may make the difference between life or death. what if there's a fire? or a tornado? or a volcano? or the movie is Hancock? there's going to be panic. it's going to be hard to get out. in other words, you are risking your life by getting good seats in a theater. you should just stay home and never leave your house. that would be safest.

personalized licence plates

okay, if you want to personalize your life, that's fine with me. but this is becoming a hazard for my driving. how am i supposed to navigate through traffic at 90 miles per hour while trying to solve the license plate code put out to the world by the asshole in front of me. it took me 10 minutes to find out that you are Russle's mom (RSLSMOM)or is it Ursulas mom? or is it RL Steins mom? okay i think i get it now i get it now. i almost died solving your riddle but i get it now. wrestlers mom. who the hell are you, who are YOU to try to get ME to decipher your code "2L8 I1" oh i get it..."too late, i won" oh you drive FAST huh? cool. show me that in code. i'll get the point and hopefully wont end up killing your grandmother. you fucking jackass.



i must say i find some comfort in solving those, but the anger and rage from an unsolvable one. what you think you're smarter than me? you think i'm stupid because i couldn't crack the code? you sir are an elitist!


(by the way Pey + 2k lbs (2000 pounds) means Peyton...Peyton Manning, how many people have to die because of stuff like this? HOW MANY?)

i should note though. that non-coded personalized license plates are legit. jesse carmody or what. his is boss. all day.

HD buffs

this picture is complete and utter BULLSHIT

i don't know what it is, but there's something about getting an HD tv that prevents people with HDtv's from shutting the hell up about them. they act like they've seen a thing or two in their day. i'm sorry but you guys are delusional. this isn't the jump that happened from black and white to color. this isn't even the jump from vhs to dvd. it's more like taking a nice HD badge on the corner and you get the right to be a complete douche bag from then on out. my friend told me the other day that he doesn't watch anything that's not on HD. you're the mind boggling spur of the moment consumer that has been putting the electronics depot of every store on the map. and for some reason everyone thinks they run the home theater center at best buy once they get one too. you can't say a single thing about an electronic device without them sputtering out 100 numbers and phrases that they know you have no idea what they're talking about.

all that being said, if anyone wants to find me a good deal on an HDtv i'll delete this post and say douche bag things like "i can't aim on halo unless it's 1080i" or "is that jack nicholson or scarlett johansson, i can't tell, this TV is SD (standard definition)" (by the way after i said SD i'd say standard definition out loud, to make myself seem superior to unknowing harkeners) seriously though, my birthdays coming up. maybe this is just jealousy.

p.s. harkeners is not a word. but man i was really hoping it would be. harken is. look it up. it means to listen without intention. i'll even provide a link

EDIT: you know what would be crazy? plugging a VHS player into an HDtv. would that be dvd quality? would the world implode?

teen dance movies

okay i get it. you kids love dancing. you love dancing with the stars. you love dirty dancing. you love dry humping in clubs. but their movies are getting out of hand. bring it on (1,2 and 3), save the last dance, stomp the yard, step up, step up 2: the streets, shall we dance, you got served. i'm tired of this.

i'm not even fed up with the movie studios, they're in the business of making money. i just can't believe you kids are forking up the dough to go see these movies. step up 1 and 2 brought in about 130 million to the studios with a budget of probably 10 million together. what kind of sick twisted crap is this? enough already, you MTV kids need to find something to do. play with a jump rope, or better yet a noose. go outside and play with a noose. let me know how it goes.

bad batches of string cheese

don't get me wrong, i'm a huge fan of string cheese. too huge in fact. or is it too big. i'm too big of a huge fan of string cheese. i'm a big huge of a major fan of string cheese. but string cheese, i have a gripe with you. why must you do me so wrong?

let me explain. every string cheese entrepreneur knows that there are two different kinds of string cheese. the good batch and the bad batch. one batch you get will be delicious, stringy, tasty and firm. then you get the bad batch, it doesn't string, it tastes like a brick of mozzarella, it WILL not string no matter how hard you try, and its soft and tangy.

once again, why must you do me so wrong? the only way you can get a reasonable price on string cheese is with the purchase of a 30 pack. that's the only price where i feel like i get enough cheese for my buck. but what an investment for the 50/50 chance that it's going to taste terrible like un-homogenized goats milk with lemon juice.

this doesn't differ by brand, every brand is guilty of this. what is with this natural phenomena? this is a call to all string cheese scientists out there GET TO WORK! equality in the cheese world!!!!!

all of the above

is it me, or is almost every time "all of the above" is on a test it seems to be "all of the above" it's like professors don't think to throw in "all of the above" on ones where it's not the answers. more than maybe once or twice. and it's not just "all of the above" it's also ones like "both a and c" THAT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE ANSWER. YOU GOT A FREE PASS. come to think of it, the only thing i'm not a big fan of in this situation is that they do throw it in once in a blue moon, and me thinking i have this fool proof strategy, i get it wrong. they're so smart, that's why they're professors.

dishwasher/laundry machine dials

why why why. please explain why if you happen to go past the point you want, you can't just click it back, you have to spin it an entire rotation around. by this point you're so frustrated that you spin it faster than before, and you probably miss again. so it's a silly game of spin the dial, like some sick carnival game where if you win, you get clean clothes. who has time for the dials and WHY CANT THEY SPIN THE OTHER WAY????